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My Dog Ate Marijuana & All I Got Was This Lousy Panic Attack | GO Mag

It absolutely was a strange
in the forests of
northern nj-new jersey.

Let me clarify.

My family and I had chose to just take a stab at located in the country prior to
of 2019. We would already been living in a pocket-sized one-bedroom apartment for the fiery pits of Hell’s home for the past couple of years; had it already been just the a couple of us, we probably would have ridden it somewhat lengthier.

But naturally, all of our hemorrhaging lesbian hearts brought all of us to a
— a good-looking mini Aussie named Luka Blue Moon which bore massive, sad sight and a soprano-pitched bark.

Luka Blue Moon.

Pic by Zara Barrie

Immediately after which, whenever we heard that a three-week-old Siamese kitten ended up being tossed away from a going auto on a scalding hot road in South Fl and required property


, we

of course

was required to save her. Wild Kat and her sparkly blue-eyes joined up with the coven.

Crazy Kat.

Pic by Meghan Dziuma

Following one Sunday, we were travelling Union Square and observed there clearly was an animal Adoption Festival.

“we mustn’t go,” we stated staunchly. “we’re going to end up getting another puppy. We can not deal with two puppies. We live in a shoebox and money is tight.”

“I know,” Meghan (my spouse) stated. “Why don’t we simply look.”


Let’s merely seem


But everyone knows that lesbians


simply have a look. Lesbians have a visceral should save situations — furry things, in particular.

Within ten full minutes we had been having a “test stroll” with a champagne-colored chihuahua.

“We just rescued him from a kill shelter in Tennessee,” chirped the raven-haired bombshell whom worked for an animal recovery known as
“pup starz.”

“we will fill in the application now,” both of us belted in great unison.

the next day, we selected the seven-year-old chihuahua up from their foster house in Bed-Stuy.


Picture by Meghan Dziuma

We known as him Bowie because he’d the exact same tone tresses as David — wine tresses.

Bowie ended up being our distressed small angel, our very own tough, sweet obsession from the moment he waltzed into all of our apartment and peed on Meghan’s members-only coat.

We loved him therefore extremely that our sex life concerned a halt. We never wanted to kick him up out of bed, and having intercourse before all of our vulnerable daughter just did not feel right.

We were sex-starved also it had been obtaining somewhat tight from inside the shoebox apartment.

“THESE PETS ARE RUNNING the SUITE!” Meghan would shout as she cleaned out up just one more shit from the marble floor in our bed room.

“WE DON’T HAVE ENOUGH SPACE!” I would scream, trying to validate all of our pets’ collective need to tear right up our furniture. “THEY’RE STIR WILD.” I’d plop into my personal favorite seat and then find it covered in dense, itchy strays of tresses. “WE MUST OBTAIN THE HELL OF HELL’S KITCHEN.”

That is certainly as soon as we stumbled upon a rather big household in Northern nj that was an astonishing $1,000 cheaper than all of our shoe-box apartment.

“let us break the lease on the apartment,” Meghan announced. “test the united states.” (brand-new Yorker’s suspect nj is actually “the nation” because Fox Information is right about a very important factor: We are undoubtedly “out of touch” with main-stream The united states.).

“i am down,” we purred, dreaming of a real-life


to live in. Never ever within my xxx existence had we stayed in a


That evening we decrease asleep to my creative imagination hosting pictures of attractive residence events. We noticed my self preparing delicious, healthy meals with intricate dishes. And that I hadn’t prepared anything else advanced than hard-boiled eggs in my own life time!

But largely, I wished for my beloved animals having space to wander easily.


Two months later on, we had been all satisfied in to the huge house in north nj. Meghan and I nevertheless worked in the town, therefore we still bore countless urban area woman practices. Canine walkers were hired. We arrived residence depleted from our demanding tasks, therefore we held ordering takeout in place of cooking within our first-ever cooking area that wasn’t inside a living place. We


spent thousands on Ubers. The obligations of operating a property don’t actually feel real because we however spent almost all of all of our days caught Manhattan, purchasing shit we didn’t need even as we clanked out at our very own computer systems working within rapid-fire rate of the latest York.

Right after which
occurred together with world turned inverted. Up was down. Gay was directly. Strange had been normal. Regular was actually strange. City ladies had to learn to hack it in

the nation


“THE F*CKING FAT F*CK FOX HOLDS TEARING THROUGH the GARBAGE AND IS TRASHING THE STREET!” Meghan would scream to the ether so loudly that birds would skitter out.

“THE PETS KEEP PISSING REGARDING THE F*CKING CARPET!” I might yell, fear rushing through my blood vessels at the idea having to replace the custom-fit white carpeting which had feature your house. A natural-born softie, I am not one to get inflamed with creatures in order to have problems learning the nuances of bathroom decorum. But Bowie just could not apparently prevent peeing throughout the really carpet. The entire room smelled like pee, enzyme cleaner, and also the three thousand incense I lit each day assured to smoothen down the rancid stench. I Became acquiring only a little…



“The tub flooded once more.”

“The toilet flooded once again.”

We failed to confess that we happened to be in over our very own minds because Meghan and I also tend to be both Tauruses, therefore bullheaded and self-righteous to a fault. Nevertheless ended up being obvious: Domestic existence was exhibiting becoming difficult — for us at least.

Not just that, but we were


We hadn’t seen a single face besides our personal in months. New Yorkers are extremely personal animals. We collect and worship during the church of the congested bar. We rub elbows with countless individuals on packed subway autos. We breathe in the air of a million strangers each time we stroll a block.

We were in a condition of social withdrawal, and like any withdrawal, it wasn’t quite.

“Blake is originating home from LA. He will stick with you in Sarasota for some months since he’s a home based job in any event. Poor thing has-been alone within his business for months,” my personal mummy explained over the phone one-night. We swigged my personal champagne around my personal cup and stared into the pee-stained carpeting.

“exactly why is the guy allowed to do that?” I asked, undertaking my most useful Margot Tenenbaum.

Pic by: YouTube Screenshot

“You’ll be able to get home, also, darling.” My mommy stated, undertaking the woman most readily useful Etheline Tenenbaum.

After two repeatedly adverse COVID assessments each, Meg and I packed up the pets and smack the highway. Within forty-eight many hours, we were resting in the dining room dining table during my mother or father’s house in craigslist personals sarasota fl drinking heaping pours of my dad’s Kim Crawford drink.

“Have any clothes that need cleansing?” my mom requested, excited to settle back in her role once the Mother™.

Our vision glistened with rips of joy. The most basic motion made united states


. Out of the blue, it became very apparent to me we both might be stuck in puberty. Just who else besides bitchy teenagers with zits and raging human hormones discovers quite simple, typical, family obligations become so very hard?

A short time later on, my buddy Blake appeared with a beard thus thick and delicious it most likely served as a secret bird’s nest to children of l . a . chickadees. My mother trimmed his beard and cut his locks with small little brow scissors. All of us collected around him to look at.

“exactly why do personally i think like i am in ‘A Clockwork Orange?'” my brother questioned.

“as you are,” we stated, cackling.

And all of a sudden, we had been all living under


roofing for the first time in 2 years. (just this time, we’re able ton’t flee the roof.)

One night, I became shooting me read aloud an article I’d created for my recently developed YouTube station (a COVID job). Meghan and I also happened to be both making use of my teen room as both a workspace


a sleep space. The space don’t had Nine Inch Nails prints plastered on wall space, however it still burned with 16-year-old trend.

Bowie and Luka were cuddled right up alongside me, however for some explanation, everytime I pushed “record” they’d begin viciously barking. I am not sure why. Possibly they don’t want us to embarrass myself personally. Having a YouTube within 30s

is quite


“think about it infants, you’re starting uncle Blake’s place,” I mentioned selecting them up-and placing all of them perfectly back at my uncle’s bed. I happened to be instantly wracked with shame. These were only one room out, in a lovely air-conditioned room, but we might all grown extremely codependent whilst quarantined. We hadn’t left each other’s sides in four several months.

fifteen minutes afterwards, the movie was completed. My center


for my puppies. I decided I hadn’t seen all of them in per week! I longed to hug Luka directly on the top of their tiny, razor-sharp skull. I was ravenous to breathe in Bowie’s pungent, salty scent.

The second I registered the area Luka leaped off the sleep and spun sectors of pleasure around myself. “I’ll most likely never give you again,” we whispered into their ear.


wait, s

omething had been down. The reason why hadn’t Bowie leaped from the bed like Luka? Exactly why wasn’t Bowie


the bed? Why was actually he sunken inside wood seat that belonged to my buddy’s table?

“Bow,” we said, lightly. He considered me with large, unused eyes. “Bow?” I inquired once again, louder. His vision were vacant. He was clearly live, but something was not correct. My personal center raced quicker than the vehicles racing down the western side highway on a summer saturday.


The second thing we understood, Meghan ended up being going 90 miles-per-hour down tired residential district roads of Sarasota. Bowie was at my personal arms, breathing but miles away somewhere. His human anatomy ended up being healthy and hot during my lap, but his personality had drifted to Mars.

As soon as we rushed to the veterinarian’s workplace I out of cash into hefty, hysterical sobs. “ANYTHING is actually WRONG WITH MY KID!” We screeched. The wallpaper curled. The veterinarian gasped. Bowie looked at many of us with red-colored, heavy-lidded sight.

“i believe there

is quite

something wrong,” the vet affirmed. She knew Bowie as the bubbly champagne-colored, ever-peeing chihuahua with a heart of silver that people all understand and like.

She place a tiny little torch into their distant eyes and dutifully got their heartbeat along with his temperature.

“In my opinion I know just what it is,” she mentioned with confidence, as she got rid of a thermometer from their ass. (

Precisely Why

do they are doing it like


In 2020? Have not we finished from demoralizing rectal temperature indication?)

I became in full panic-attack, grief-stricken setting. “WHAT?” I asked very aggressively spit travelled of my personal mouth. I happened to be experiencing really primal.

“Any opportunity the guy could’ve ingested, uh, marijuana?” the veterinarian asked kindly. “That’s just what actually this appears like.”

“We don’t smoke weed,” Meghan and that I stated in perfect unison. (I know, I too, think it is weird AF whenever lesbian lovers accomplish that.)

We considered both. Which is if it clicked. Lightbulbs hung over the terrified heads and shined close to the glaring truth. There *was* weed at home. Obviously there clearly was. My personal mom’s an avowed insomniac and my cousin’s been in Ca for over a decade. Really, arrived at consider it, I would smoked a huge joint using my bro the night time prior to.

Really don’t smoke weed. Really don’t lie possibly. HA.

“the guy might have undoubtedly ingested cannabis,” we replied, shamefully. I got kicked Bowie out of my area for fifteen minutes and he squeezed large? What sort of son ended up being I raising?

Mom shame —

that’s what my friends with kids call it.

“i’ll manage some recent tests, but I’m fairly that’s what really,” the vet said. “don’t be concerned. This is the best-case situation.”

Meghan known as my brother and put him on speaker as my stoned puppy was actually carted away into a backroom is drug tried like an out of control teen on juvie probation.

“Well, we KEEP YOUR DOORWAY TO MY AREA CLOSED FOR A REASON!” my cousin mentioned defensively. (Brothers tend to be



“its my personal mistake; I place him inside space,” I confessed. (Sisters tend to be



“i’ll inspect upstairs and view if anything is actually missing.” He place united states on hold for a solid moment. Meghan and I frantically awaited his return. “Yeah, all of the roaches which were on my table are gone.”

Not just did i’ve a marijuana-seeking puppy, he made a decision to eat roaches. Performed the guy not deem himself worthy of the plump buds next to the sad, sorry, limp mutual remnants? Did he need guidance? Performed the guy maybe not feel good sufficient for any real offer because he had been wracked with many form of shelter-dog imposter disorder? We sighed, seriously.

“We offered him an IV of liquids. The guy must okay by the next day. Simply keep the marijuana concealed, kindly.”

Meghan and I also both rapidly launched into melodramatic lezsplaining. “WE MIGHT NEV-”

“its ok,” The vet said, enabling us from the hook. We calmly wondered if she played for our group. “Put some Pink Floyd on and leave him cool.” All of us laughed nervously. Meghan remaining the room to pay our statement (a memoir). The vet’s sight lingered on the extended legs and she walked through home. I did not also care. My personal dog wasn’t


. He had been


. We thanked my personal larger energy Lana Del Rey and kept with my large dog who had been passionately sniffing the air like he could smell snacks or something like that. “are you experiencing the munchies?” I cooed into their reddish, a distance sight.

We swear he


at me personally.

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